How often do you REALLY pay attention to someone? I mean REALLY connect in a way that let's you see them and understand them and (ultimately) support them?
I have LOTS of acquaintances. I have some friends. I have a small group of people I love - a lot. But I am not always connected to these people. Not, at least, enough to pick up on the subtle cues and the unspoken. To be honest, not all of "my people" really require me to be deeply engaged. Beckett is just OUT THERE and you know what he is about without really trying very hard. He's easy to read. And Quinn is another one who is open and confident enough to just say what he thinks. He's not manipulating the situation or looking for some ulterior motive. He's Quinn and he's pretty perfect. (BTW - WHOLE post is needed to talk about Quinn and wrestling season and freshman year and how dang proud I am of him... but I'm saving that for another day...)
The other two boys are not so straight forward. My oldest is hard for me to read. And I mess up with him regularly. He's actually far more sensitive than he seems - and far less likely to actually tell you what's going on in his head. The benefit I have with Spencer is that I have a lot more practice with him. And he's more mature and more capable than Zane. So while Spencer and I clash more often than I'd like, I am pretty confident that he's gonna end up just fine!
Zane is really subtle and tricky and it's super easy to miss his cues. If you just go about life and don't stop and proverbially smell the flowers, you will totally miss SO MUCH of Zane's personality. Zane is in that phase where he's trying to figure out his crowd. He is just on the verge (or maybe already into the shallow end) of the awkward social pecking order time of his life. I know from my older guys that this is a really sucky time - but it passes and high school is SO much better! Given that Zane doesn't often let anyone into what's really going on in his head, I worry about helping him through this phase. We'll do it, but I know it won't be easy with him for 2 reasons. One - he overthinks everything. He thinks through all the possible situations and comes up with alternate scenarios and outcomes. He does this with everything. His mind is truly impressive. The second reason this will be hard on him is that he's actually really sensitive and needs far more reassurance than I'm used to given - and have needed to give to his brothers. He needs more comfort and confirmation of security. He needs to know he's OK and he belongs.
He needs frequent hugs!
For anyone who's been reading these weekly updates for a while, you may remember what happened with we first moved Zane out of the security of a crib to the freedom of a toddler bed. For months he slept UNDER the bed with a vast collection of stuffed friends and blankets barricading him in so that you couldn't even see him. He was perfectly happy in that cave for a long time. It provided him with comfort and security.
Through the years this need to feel safe and secure could be seen in the fact that he almost always wants a good long snuggle when he wakes up - from his bed that is covered with stuffed friends. Recently he has convinced Beckett that they should move all of their friends and blankets and pillows into their closet every weekend so they can sleep, together, surrounded by fluff and plush and softness. They make a giant mess, but have a great time. And I don't mind any of this because I know this cozy little cave that they build fulfills something that Zane needs to feel settled.
I hope I can stay close enough to Zane to stay tuned into what's behind some of his odd behavior. I hope I always remember to look beyond the obvious and try to understand what's going on with him.
I hope I am always around to give him hugs.
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