Where to begin. Spencer turns 18 on Sunday. And I've been stuck trying to figure out how to begin this birthday tribute for days.
And it dawns on me that part of the challenge here is that this is both a beginning and an ending. Wow! Even just typing "ending" has me a little choked up. But I suppose that's all part of this process. It began nearly 18 years ago - before that actually as I lay in bed with a hand on my growing belly feeling his kicks and starting the process of loving this child. It ends, in some ways, in just a few short days. And that is pretty hard.
Yes, I know that just because he will technically be an adult it doesn't mean he's instantly going to vanish forever. I know that I get to see his face across the dinner table for a few more months. I know that I will still feel compelled to take care of his wishes and needs for long after that. I know I will love him forever - no matter where on this earth he lands.
So this is "just" one of those milestones. Like when he chose to wean himself or take those first steps. Like the first time we left him at daycare or watched him ride away on a school bus. Like the first trip he took with a friend or the first drive. It's a bitter sweet milestone like all the rest. I celebrate - because that's the goal here. It's our job to prepare our sons for all of these milestones so they can be confident and ready - for anything. But I'm also a little sad because each milestone marks the end of a phase. And I've loved all the phases.
(Except the 12 year old phase... not my fave!)
And really there is far more to celebrate about Spencer turning 18 than reasons to be sad. There are so many things about this man that I adore. I love that he is capable and willing to help in any situation that comes up. He's the first to head outside when yard work needs to be done and the first to agree to helping move heavy things for anyone who asks. I love that he's got a quick wit and a bright mind. He is both book and (somewhat) street smart. He thinks for himself and doesn't just roll with the crowd - never has. I love that he has some really random, and fluctuating, interests and knows how to do things like sell old stuff on social media. I love that he wants to better himself and wants to be better so he can better his country. I love that he is narrowing in on what he wants to do in the future and I really love that the direction he's heading makes so much sense for his skills, interests, and abilities.
I love him. For who he is. For what he's done. For what I know he's going to do.
And when I think about that last bit, the anxiety ratchets up again. It's normal, I'm sure. I will be sending him off to tackle this crazy, crazy world without the ability to see how the day has treated him written on his face. I'm going to say goodbye without really knowing when we will get another hug - or phone call. I am not the only mom of a nearly 18 year old to ever have struggled with this collision of ending and beginning. I know that... and I also know that my child is at least as prepared as all those other newly christened adults out there. Nah - Spencer is more prepared. He's ready.
And with that, I will prepare to wish him a happy, happy 18th birthday. We will celebrate with cake and presents and hugs and I will make him let me kiss him on the cheek.
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